Montezuma’s Cavern of Greed

“Greed is a deadly sin because it brings out the devil in us all! Apologies to everyone who lives in the southern states of America for my awful dialect work. I assure you I mean no disrespect. “

I wrote this story for the following prompts.
Ragtag Daily Prompt — Cavern
Pensitivity’s Three Things Challenge — Future – Game – Secret
Word of the Day Challenge — Perception
Your Daily Word — Dapper
Fandango’s One Word Challenge — Severance

Montezuma’s Cavern of Greed

“Y’all promised me two billion dollars in Aztec gold, Suarez. This here’s no game. Ah want that gold by Monday or y’all can expect ya severance pay, boy!”

“Whatever, Jephson. I’ll call the Mexica Miracle Maker to summon up the treasure, shall I?” Suarez pushed the ivory Stetson higher on his sweating head.

“Ah don’t care how y’all do it. Just get ‘er done!” with a click the phone line went silent.

“Tirate a un poso!” (Throw yourself in a hole) Suarez spat at his disconnected boss. Tossing his phone in his pocket he glanced around the arid landscape of the Utah desert.

Red and yellow rock and sand shimmered with heatwaves in the 120F sun. The barren landscape was punctuated by scrubby bushes and saguaro cacti. Everything here seemed either spiky or venomous to the Mexican treasure hunter.

He’d almost been bitten by a Great Basin Rattlesnake just this morning. Now as he watched, a black and orange Gila Monster appeared to stalk him from a dried-out bush. There was no danger from the oddly venomous lizard though, it preferred small mammals and rodents.

Suarez took a deep breath and scratched his stubbly chin. Jephson had been a dapper friendly Texan when they’d met in the bar in Arizona. Now, he was just a greed-ridden chihuahua.

Taking his sharp brown eyes from a group of spiralling turkey vultures. He walked to the foot of a large mesa of iron-rich red rock. A dark split running five feet up from the rocky ground left his eyes sparkling.

He’d been told it was just a cave. It didn’t take a wise mans’ perception to know that was wrong. The Aztec markings on the wall just inside and the stone tool marks in the earth and granite walls told otherwise. This was a mine tunnel.

 It was no secret that Montezuma had gathered all his people’s treasure, hordes of gold and jewels, and evacuated it to either northern Mexico or the Southern United States when the Spanish conquistadores raided his kingdom more than four hundred years ago. What better secret location than the goldmine the treasure was birthed from in the beginning.

“Suarez! I got through the collapse! You’ve got to come and see this!” yelled a thickset man with a handlebar moustache running from the tunnel. His white vest and blue jeans were doused in sweat and covered in red dust.

“Alright, Alberto. I’m coming.” Suarez donned a white miner’s hat, engaged the headlamp and followed him into the darkness.

The hand-hewn tunnel drove more or less straight into the Mesa. At most, it was five feet high and three feet wide; although the height and width grew much tighter as the passage meandered into the earth like a burrowing snake.

“Gah! It’s hard to imagine people digging this hellhole by hand and candlelight, isn’t it?” Suarez grumbled as he forced his broad shoulders through a narrow section.

“Damn right it is! It was bad enough pickaxing in my way through the cave in!” Alberto replied his deep voice echoing in the confined space.

Around a hundred and fifty feet into the mesa, they came upon the cave-in site. Alberto had installed a series of new beams to support the ceiling. A small amount of rubble remained on the ground, but the passage was now open.

“Well, you like my handiwork?”

“It’ll do,” Suarez past him and continued along the passage. He hadn’t gone much further before the passage opened into a large cavern. His headlight twinkled upon an old quartz vein. The treasure hunter grinned, this was the goldmine alright. There was something else here as well.

“Amazing space, isn’t it?” Alberto walked around a pile of rubble and smoothed his hands over the sparkling quartz.

“No doubt. A lot of money was made in here.”

“Speaking of which. I did my end of the bargain. When do I get paid?” Alberto gathered and leant upon his pickaxe with a meaningful looking his boss.

“Now,” Suarez took out his Smith & Wesson revolver and shot him between the eyes. The gun’s report echoed around the cavern as the miner collapsed nerveless to the floor. “Thanks for your help,” he told the corpse.

Picking his way across the cavern, Suarez dropped to a knee beside the right-hand wall. His torchlight had shown him more Aztec symbols.  A quick scratch around revealed another passage had been bricked over with rocks.

Using Alberto’s pickaxe, he soon made a hole in the blockage. Suarez put his light through into the space behind and grinned wide enough to set his gold fillings twinkling.

The moment the treasure hunter was stood back under the glaring desert sun, he hit the redial button on his phone.

“What is it, Suarez? Ah’m in a very important meeting.”

“Good afternoon to you too, Jephson. I suggest you postpone that meeting and get that rawhide ass of yours to Utah.”

“Howdy, partner. Did a find me some treasure?” Jephson said three hours later having flown into Bluff Airport via Salt Lake City on his private jet and then a helicopter. The sun was low in the sky, still bright enough to reveal the red, bloated face of the rich Texan; who stood in his black cowboy-style suit and tan boots.

“Why don’t you come and see?” Suarez shook his hand and directed him to his jeep. With his rich passenger comfortable, he set off into the desert.

As dusk fell, the Mexican led the Texan into the cave. “I believe this is one of Montezuma’s goldmines.”

“Ah don’t want no damn gold mine, Suarez. Ah want all the gold he hid away from the Spanish.”

“If you let me fin —” Suarez stomped his boot hard upon a bark scorpion with a sickening crack.” -ish I’ll explain why we’re here!”

“Ah’ll right, don’t have a conniption fit, boy. Ahm listening.” Jephson squeezed his sizeable girth along the narrow passage with a grunt.

“Montezuma would have taken the treasure along his trade routes to North America. We know he mined a lot of his gold from this area as well. So where better to hide his treasure than a secret goldmine he already had.” Suarez entered the cavern first.

“Makes sense to me,” Jephson agreed. “Say, is that blood?” he added pointing to a ruddy, dried out stain on the ground.

“Yeah, found the remains of a bighorn sheep in here. I reckon a coyote killed and dragged it in,” Suarez lied.

“Is that so?”

“That’s how I saw it.”

“Very well,” Jephson turned a circle eyeing the quartz vein and searching for gold. “So, is this it? Where’s my treasure, boy?”

Suarez indicated the symbols on the wall.

Jephson beamed as he crossed the cavern to take a closer look. Spotting the hidden passage, he ducked inside, “Whoopie, boy. Ya’ll found the jackpot!” he yelled as his torch flashed upon piles of rough smelted gold bars, coins, jewellery and Aztec sculptures worth fortunes.

“Told you I’d find it,” Suarez said with a smug expression on his face.

“That ya did,” Jephson’s voice turned cold as he returned to the cavern. Drawing a silver Desert Eagle handgun as he stood and straightened himself. “Thanks for ya —”

“You think I’m estúpido, gilipollas? Ha?” Suarez fixed his revolver upon the Texan.

“Y’all work for me, Suarez. A deal is a deal, remember?” Jephson was sweating profusely. His eyes flicking between the treasure and his partner.

“Ha! What good is a deal when you have a bullet in your brain?” Suarez snapped. “I found Montezuma’s treasure. It belongs to me now.”

“Then why bring me here?”

“Loose ends,” Suarez flicked his gun. “Drop it!”

“Never!” Jephson cocked the hand cannon. “Why am ah a loose end. Y’all could have taken the gold and run. Heck, ya could have found and had it without me.”

“No, I needed your financing to search for the treasure. I knew you would not honour your deal. I let you use me as a pawn so I could find the gold, knowing full well you’d try to kill me when I did. Knowing once I found the treasure, you’d send hitmen after me until it was yours …”

“So, you bring me here, show me and then kill me?”

“Bingo, homes. Then I can enjoy my riches without watching my back!”

“There is no Chupacabra is there?” Jephson said beginning to circle toward the entrance.

“What?” Suarez’s revolver remained solid in his hand as he kept it locked on the Texan’s heart.

“The only ugly demons in Mexico are people like you!”

Suarez threw back his head and laughed.

Jephson pounced and fired.

The cavern reverberated with not one but two ear-splitting blams.

Jephson yelped, staggered and fell into the rubble pile. A ragged hole in his stomach spilling blood.

Suarez slammed into the cavern wall. “I … hate … you!” he gasped as darkness crept over his vision. Raising a hand from his burning chest he saw it was covered with blood.

Aiming at the Texan’s slumped form, he opened fire.

Jephson somehow had the same idea.

The cavern shook with gunfire until both weapons clicked empty and fell silent. Both men collapsed into a cursed death as the cavern crumbled and sealed them in hell. Feet from Montezuma’s gold and a wealthy future, greed had cost them everything.

The end


Don’t forget Holly Ward investigates, Stolen Treasures is out on Amazon now!

A recent bank robbery. A saddened man. A coded message. Can they all be connected?
Young Sleuth Holly Ward is determined to help the man. It’s not long before she too comes under assault from a group of dangerous individuals. In the face of intimidation, abduction and even murder can Holly solve the clues and catch the criminals before she becomes the next Stolen Treasure?


Thanks for reading my friends.

There’s more in the Poetry CornerPoetry Nook, and the Short Story Collection

Have a great day!

50 thoughts on “Montezuma’s Cavern of Greed

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  1. Wow, I could see it all! The only issue, albeit a minor one was that the Texan’s accent was atrocious LOL To be fair, I can almost guarantee you never met a real life Texan, and you’ve based this version on movies, in which case you’ve absolutely nailed it. Movies always make Texans sound like they’re half asleep when they have the thick “southern drawl” that only seems to affect their vowels. So, yep, you actually nailed it.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I saw, I was being kind and simply confirming your suspicion LOL I’m just kidding – I just wish the movies did a better job of portraying our rich variation in accents. OK, you’re probably one of the few people who will know what I mean because you will just get it – think Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins. That’s what most Americans think is accurate because of that particular cinematic masterpiece of bleeding ear drums… the same holds true for the American accents that you always hear in the movies.

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      2. Oh sure. It’s the same when Hollywood does English accents. They only ever use the rich upper class one that next to nobody here speaks like. The other 64 dialects are forgotten really.
        Well, I shall just put. “hello, mate. How are you doing?” he asked in his Texan accent. In future – lol

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      3. Oh, I know. I like the high-brow english, but only if certain people do it. For example, if Alan Rickman wanted to spend hours on hours talking, I’d happily listen. Or Rex Harrison. Or David Tennant – OY! lol But I watch enough TV to see people with other accents, and I enjoy those too. I can understand them and I enjoy them. The humor doesn’t exactly translate for me though – and it’s not the accent. Mrs. Brown’s Daughters… I’ve watched it, I think it’s entertaining, but I’m not falling on the floor in giggles, same with Monty Python, or a number of others. Not the point. Again, sorry LOL

        But, there are two accents for our media: the nonaccent and the “everything else is Southern” accents. Think Rex Harrison and and Audrey Hepburn (in the beginning of the My Fair Lady). Then they try to go outside of those two and you basically get variations on Julie Andrews and Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins. Good examples of accents outside of the normal two are Good Will Hunting and anything where they have to sound like they are from NYC. There are 5 boroughs though so the accents are VASTLY different, but overall they do a good job. There was recently a tv show where they were in New Jersey… omg. That was horrendous. For starters, NO ONE in the show had an actual natural NJ accent – they were all “putting” one on and it was obvious. Second major mistake: they hired a British actress to play the main character. She’s an amazing actress, mostly unknown though – her name is Kate Winslet 😂 – She’s phenomenal, but the NJ accent is exceptionally hard to master. Hers was more accurate to North Jersey – but still, it wasn’t even accurate for there.

        Actually, I lied. There is a British actor who was so damned spot on for the NJ accent that it was quite terrifying. If I didn’t know he was a British actor I’d honestly tell you that you were lying if you told me he was. Hugh Laurie as House.

        If you want a semi-decent version of a TX accent, take a look at Matthew McConaughey. It has lightened in the last twenty years, so look at something of his earlier works. Other than the “alright alright alright”, it’s exactly what you’re looking for. Or Dr. Phil. They are ACTUALLY from Texas and are not some random person with a cute face pretending to be some cowpoke in TX.

        Actually, if you’re interested in various accents, I can totally direct you toward some popular media to give you an idea. All you would have to do is watch a clip from the movies or tv shows on youtube to get a pretty good idea of the accents you are generally aiming for.

        Stoner Surfer is totally Sean Penn.
        Brooklyn is Rosy Perez
        NJ, Delaware, some of PA down to Northern North Carolina is minor variations on Hugh Laurie from House
        If you want North Carolina down to Georgia you have Blanche from Golden Girls.
        North East America is basically JFK or Martha Stewart
        Florida is basically every possible accent you can find – same as Las Vegas.
        Middle America varies by area

        That’s a pretty good quick guide for your next story LOL if you want anything more specific you’ll have to tell me what you want because I’m not gonna list out 50 movies in a comment LOL

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I am a teacher, in my own way 😀

        And you did know what I meant. I haven’t watched television in a year now, so please forgive me.

        I can’t carry a tune but I’m pretty good at recognizing accents… very Henry Higgins, but not that good.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. It’s the only comedy my father watches where there is anyone with an accent – he’s half deaf and can’t keep up. The subtitles are fast enough to keep up with the scene but slow enough that he can read them without rewinding.

        I don’t teach you, I just give you grief LOL

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      6. Poor guy. That makes watching TV miserable.

        I appreciate the grief then. It helps me beat the darkness out of my brain by giving it more positive swings on things. It really helps.

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      7. Him being half deaf isn’t what makes watching TV miserable – it’s his inability to follow basic situations (which he’s always had). A perfect example is Frozen. Seriously: there is a blonde, a brunette, a snowman, a reindeer and rock-trolls. Seriously… impossible to follow. He was confused three seconds in. Beauty and The Beast – a woman, an old man, a tea pot, a cup, a Beast, a candelabra, a clock and a tall guy with a gun. Lost. OK, I hear you. Fair enough – they’re all different, but there are a lot of them. Psycho: a man, a woman, a KNIFE. Confused. He jumbles all characters together in his head and can’t follow them. Only TV and movies. He was actually able to follow the Harry Potter books for the three chapters he read! He hates magic and sci-fi and anything fun. But when reading it, he can see it in his head and doesn’t get confused. Even when he just reads a book and he sees it in his head and then it gets turned into a movie and he admits that every actor is precisely what he saw in his head, he gets confused. He’s a mess. He’s one of the reasons a lot of my writing is so simple as far as characters – I write it so even he can follow it. Even though it’s written and I can write something four paragraphs long with 80 characters and he’d be fine following it, I write it as if he were watching it. When I decide to get really heavy with a lot of characters, I write it as if my mother were the one reading it – she could watch a movie with 9 million characters and keep it straight, but when she read, there had to be something distinct about each one or she was confused. My father can keep track of a book with 20 blonde haired men with no discernable traits; my mom could handle two – otherwise there had to be SOMETHING. Names didn’t help, we all suck with names. It had to be something very distinct, and rarely something physical because every time that person enters the scene you rarely write something like “and the button on his shirt gleamed in the low light of the fading sun” every single time. They would have to typically have unique voices. Not an easy thing to do, but something you can somewhat see in some of my more character heavy stories. My Melissa series was like that – the voices in her head were only distinguished between bold and italics, if you’re reading a story like that, it’s easy to confuse which one is bold and which one is italics, especially if they don’t show up in every chapter; but their voices, their personalities were different and she would be able to know which was speaking within a few words. Despite the same actress playing all three with no voice alterations so they all sound exactly the same, your brain creates a way of hearing it… one sounds tired, the other cheery and the last dead-pan. There is no difference, but your brain creates that change. That’s one of the reasons my writing is the way it is – so distinct and somewhat simple based on the characters themselves. If you can accommodate the most irritatingly frustrating people you know, you have almost every reader who wants to read.

        I’m glad I can help. The one thing I can’t do is help you internalize it to ight that negativity. I can give you a hammer and a nail, but I can’t make you connect the boards.

        Liked by 1 person

      8. I understand. There needs to be a real clever way or differentiating the characters within the subtitles. As you when reading our brain is just focused on the story and so can create the different voices too. but when watching tv, the subtitle is like multitasking and so picking between the characters is near on impossible.

        You’re right, you can give all the cues to fight my negativity. If I don’t then take heed and follow you, I stay a m,miserable old bugger lol

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      9. A) even without subtitles and headphones so he can follow and hear everything because there are no accents – nothing. Lost. Perfect example: in Lord of the Rings they were on a mountain and had a fire going to make dinner. They got yelled at for having a fire on the side of a mountain which would give away their position. Literally, the entire scene was described IN THE SCENE. *pause* Why can’t they have a fire? Because the bad guys will see them. “How will they see them?” There’s a fire… on a mountain. They just have to look up. “But why would the bad guys look up?” Because they’re looking for them, and not looking up would be stupid. “Why would looking up make them find them?” Because they have a fire…. “Why are they looking for them? Because the bad guys want to hurt the good guys. “Why?” Because they are bad guys. “But what does making dinner have to do with the bad guys finding them?” They need fire to make the food – and fire will give them away. “Why?” *Marla gets up, makes a conscious decision not to smack him in the face with the television and leaves the room*

        Yeah. THAT is watching three seconds of a movie with him. It can take five days to get through a two hour movie.

        I’ll admit, he did really good with Schinder’s List. A lot of “ok, I’m following – but which one is Schinder?” The tall one. “Which is the tall one?” The one NOT in prison stripes. “Why are they in prison stripes?” Seriously???? “Ok, right. They’re the ones in the camp. So….” NO! STOP! Just push play and think while watching. Real questions from this point forward. “Fine.” *three seconds goes by and it gets paused* “Is that Schindler?” No. “How do you know?” Because Schindler is saving Jews, not shooting them from Balconies. “Are you sure? They look alike…” This will mean nothing to you, but yes I’m sure. The guy with the gun, right here, is Ralph Fiennes. Schindler is Liam Neeson. Before you ask me if I’m sure again, realize I just gave you the actors’ names. Yes I know the difference. Yes I know who they are. Yes, I am 100,000% certain that this guy with the gun is NOT Schindler. Please, for the love of G-d, push play! “You just said two random names You don’t know that it’s two different people.” This guy is Voldemort – He Who Shall Not Be Named. He tried to kill a kid with glasses with a magic wand and a rat friend, all he did was leave a scar. He’s evil. Dripping with it. He’s the guy you don’t want to mess with because he controls the Soul Eaters and tormenters and dementors and a bunch of other “ers” and if you don’t press play he will set them on you. Schindler will handle it differently. If you don’t press play, he will find you and he will kill you. PRESS PLAY! “What the hell did you just say? What does any of that mean??” It means, you press play or I will break all of your bones one by one until you are dust. “Fine.” *Fifteen seconds later* “Is that…” No. It’s Sir Ben Kingsley. He’s a Jew and he’s Schinder’s right hand man. Push play or I will scream, leave, sneak in tonight while you’re asleep and murder you! *play is pressed* a whopping 9- seconds later “is that…” SERIOUSLY??? THAT’S A WOMAN! “Oh.”

        Yes. That was the easiest one to get through. There were actual 10 minute stretches where he didn’t confuse anyone. That last scene though… the most powerful in the movie, and he stopped it. “What are they doing?” They’re putting flowers on Schinder’s grave. “Why?” Because he’s dead and they are putting flowers on his grave. “Who are they?” The survivors he saved. “Wait, he saved people from the Holocaust?” WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU! THAT’S THE POINT OF THIS ENTIRE MOVIE! “How did he save this many people?” He added their names with the help of Ben Kingsley – the one in glasses – to save them. He added them to his list. “What list?” OMG! PRESS PLAY! There are exactly two minutes left to this movie, and if we don’t finish it in the next ten minutes I am going to rip your guts out through your nose! “I’m confused though.” I will give the dog all night to explain it to you – AFTER YOU PUSH PLAY! I swear, I am going to take the remote from you and you will never find it again! “This is so confusing. The dog won’t be able to explain it!” Oh, I promise, the chair can explain it to you. Press play.

        It’s a 3 hour film. It took 5.

        Charlie Chaplin movies were about the extent of his ability to follow without a million pauses.

        Oh, and Schindler’s List was on VHS – no subtitles. He just can’t follow anything. He was woefully confused watching Home Alone. Seriously. Kid, tall skinny guy, Joe Pesci, mom, John Candy. NOT HARD! I picked those names because those are the ones he knows; I can name them all. Confused. Seriously and woefully confused. Worst part, he did pause twice to make astute observations that actually floored me and my mother. He looked at Daniel Stern and said “isn’t that the guy from the movie with the cum in her hair?” Yes… yes, that’s the guy from Something About Mary. “he had the giant pimple pussy things all over his face.” Yes… he did. And he screams like a woman in this. HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? “I don’t know.” Ok…. fine… uh… yeah. It’s him. (By the way, He couldn’t follow Something About Mary either and kept thinking Daniel Stern was Ben Stiller). Then on the mother: “Wait – she was the mother with the girl in the black dress and the snake railing. The shrimp ate her face.” My mother: What the hell are you on about? Me: Yes, actually, she is. My dad: there was a little town and a dog on the bridge. The woman had a metal mouth and a man was running from a big snake-worm on the beach.” Me: Yep. but it was the dessert not the beach. Mom: What are you talking about? Just push play or I’ll beat you both with the remote! Me: Mommy, he’s actually right. Let him work it out, you’ll see he’s right. Mom: I don’t care if he’s right. I was watching a movie. It’s not hard to follow! It’s a woman. She’s an actress. OF COURSE SHE’S BEEN IN OTHER MOVIES! Push play “BLOODY MARY!!!” Huh? How did you…? “Say her name three times! The mother was in Bloody Mary!” No. Nu-uh. Close, but so beyond wrong I want to cry for your ancestors. Mom: If you both don’t shut the hell up…. “Batman was in it too.” I will eat your soul if you don’t push play. Me: Daddy, he’s BeetleJuice. You were so close – even saying the name three times. Push play before she has an aneurism. The one that takes the cake of every single thing on earth: he saw the father in BeetleJuice and said “That’s the principle from Ferris Bueller” and didn’t pause, didn’t ask questions, just said it

        Liked by 1 person

      10. Nah, deaf has nothing to do with it. My dad is seriously damaged. Deaf just makes it a bigger pain in the ass.

        My suggestion: if your father starts losing his hearing and it’s starting to cause him to lose interest in movies and whatnot, there are products on the market that can truly help him. Not even subtitles which can annoy everyone else. But things like head phones that can be worn as the speakers are used. You and someone else can enjoy it using the normal speakers while he has it pumped directly into his ears so there’s no dissipation of sound and therefore remains clear. There are also hearing aides – not the kind you get from the doctor, but the kind you use for specific purposes. He can put one of them on and it helps focus everything while simultaneously keeping him from screaming questions randomly not realizing he is at a 200. There is also this really nifty thing that my aunt had before she died… it’s tech from when we were kids. Do you remember there were like candies on a stick and they would play vibrations in your head so you could hear music but no one else could? Very similar tech but much more sophisticated. It’s basically something they can put in their mouth that’s like a bluetooth speaker but small. You’re actually hearing audio using your ear drums, but they are kind of hearing it through their teeth. They can watch entire shows on mute, but with the sound on it’s extra clear for them.

        Deaf isn’t the issue. Hard headed inability to follow a two-person story is the issue LOL

        Seriously, Charlie Chaplin “Modern Times” is Charlie Chaplin and…. CHARLIE CHAPLIN. That’s it! He plays the tramp in a giant machine. It’s also a silent movie so you can’t get boggled down with too much dialogue. It’s kept quite minimum LOL This movie was created in the 1930’s.

        So, lets put this together: a movie with ONE actor. NO words. ONE location. Created BEFORE special effects and general confusing multi-pronged story-lines. Relatively short, clocking in around 90-ish minutes, I think. Brilliant by every stretch and measure. My goldfish had to spend 120 minutes explaining it to him.

        Wizard of Oz he can follow though, usually. Judy Garland and everyone else. Some dancing. Dog. He’s good. Cabaret – Joel Grey, Liza Minelli, everyone else. Some dancing. No dog. He’s good. Yentl – Barbara Streisand, Mandy Patinkin, everyone else. some singing, maybe a dog somewhere in the background. He’s good.

        Otherwise, LOST. Without a trace or a hope. 🤷‍♀️

        Liked by 1 person

      11. Yikes! I bet you make a million excuses never to watch tv with him.

        For some reason when you mentioned the candy I went to ‘Toot Sweets’ from Chitty Bang Bang lol.

        My dad just got some new hearing aides that connect to the TV. Mind you I think he says ‘What?’ a hundred times a day on purpose sometimes lol

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      12. Nope, I don’t bother with excuses anymore. I simply tell him that there’s nothing we can watch together because I get bored with screen savers which is all he can manage to follow. He calls me a brat I call him a dope, we find food. We eat instead of watch movies because I would absolutely end up stabbing him in his eye socket. He has two friends who are willing to suffer through watching things with him – let them continue to suffer. To them, it’s fun – mostly because they are somehow dopier than he is.

        Oh, my father says “what” a million times a day for no reason, he just wants you to get flustered and change your answer to something he wants to hear. But his inability to follow a plot is purely something he was born with.

        Liked by 1 person

      13. Best to avoid the situation so you can do something better and get along isn’t it. He’s already struggling without a remote control sticking out of his eye!

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      14. He watches TV on his bed. His bed. He never takes the remotes away from there. He loses them irretrievably 10 times a day. And he has like 12 of them and 10 of them don’t go with anything that actually works.

        Liked by 1 person

      15. Oh, you’ll love his two remedies for this situation: 1 put those tracker tiles on them. They don’t work THAT well – there’s no way that it will track it to within 10 cm. It’s not leaving the bed. Oh, and to get the tracker to work? You have to be able to find your phone.
        2. the opposite direction entirely: use string. So he can strangle himself in his sleep.

        Ugh.

        Even my three year old nephew was like: “uh… you realize those are two very different things…. and that neither will work, right?” LOL

        Liked by 1 person

      16. Haha! Least he tried to do something about it. But yes those trackers even the ones in the phone never work too well. They might point out the right hundred square meters but never any closer.

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      17. Oh he didn’t try either one. Why on Earth would I let him buy the little tracker cubes that won’t work? And why would I sit and tie thread around the remotes just so he can snap it or strangle himself? I told him what to get – he just doesn’t listen. They have little attach things that make noises. So you tell your Alexa or Siri, or whichever robotic voice you chose to spend your spare time yelling at while it ignores you, to find the TV remote and that specific attach thing makes a noise for that one remote so you can find it. You can get a whole bunch of them and they will all work. You can even set up shortcuts that are like “find all remotes” and all ten will make noises or “find the important remotes” and the ones you selected will go off. Makes more sense. You don’t have to find your phone to find the remote because it’s something that is always on in the room. And since the makers of these insane robot voices that don’t listen insist they learn, that would mean that around 9 pm every night, after you’ve lost your remotes for the five kabillionth time, it will automatically be like “excuse me. This is me just checking in: did you shock the universe and find the remotes or are you still looking like you do every single night because you refuse to put them away?” It would never happen, but wouldn’t that be awesome?

        Liked by 1 person

      18. You saved his money and life there I reckon. As you best bet is to change the channel and then put the remote back on the bedside cabinet each time.
        Like noise maker option too.

        Like

      19. My father has been alive my entire life (duh) and he never ONCE put the remote back even close to where he was supposed to. Personally, I would love to create an electrocution device where if you ask for it’s help it zaps you repeatedly until you find it. Therefore, you’re more likely to put it away LOL

        Liked by 1 person

      20. For humans, it’s perfect. for dogs, it depends on why they have it. To make a dog that is predisposed to barking stop barking, it will never work. To help you train the dog to sit, you need to be a better trainer. To have a dog that can open the gate and get out, no matter HOW you lock it, makes perfect sense. My sister had to do that. Her dog could open anything and escape – to the point he got arrested twice. She had to shock collar him after her fifth upgrade to the fence and gate so when he opened it he would get zapped on his way out. honestly, she had to upgrade THAT five times too… usually, it’s a wire you plant underground that when the collar goes over it it sends a shock. He’d just bound over it. She ended up having to create a land mine all around the gate – One after the other, so he would get a continuous shock for about 5 strides – he stopped trying… for 6 months. He figured out how to flip the collar so he didn’t really feel it so it wouldn’t zap him.

        The truth is, shock collars are actually better for dogs than people. We may have thumbs, but I can almost guarantee that the dogs are smarter at getting it not to work than the people ever will be.

        Liked by 1 person

      21. Wow! That was one incredibly smart dog! Never used a shock collar and never would. All I use is a simple ‘back’ command with a flat palm up at my ‘do not cross line’ then a couple treats and praise when the dog obeys. Ten minutes work and gate can be wide open and a cat can be on the other side and dog won’t leave – usually! Uncles dog Mikey yup after Cyrus – pain in the are that won’t train lol

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      22. Yes he was. A trouble maker his whole life!

        That dog refused to learn most of the time – ESPECIALLY if my sister was trying to train him. He would listen to me and my mother…if we were in front of him, but do what he darn well pleased as soon as our backs were turned.

        Liked by 1 person

      23. Nothing little about him, including the pain he would cause when he would jump up on his back legs and take things from inside the microwave that is above the stove.

        Actually, I’m not sure who was refusing to be domesticated – the dog or my sister. They both spent like 12 years trying to train each other and failing LOL

        Liked by 1 person

      24. Yikes! He’s lucky he didn’t get seriously burned. That’s very Labrador stealing every bit of food in sight.

        Haha! One didn’t want to be human, the other didn’t want to be dog lol

        Like

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