A Hairy Visitor

“Time for a little fantastical fun. And no – I do not have issues with vegetarians. I take pride in cooking good food for them in fact.”

I wrote this story in answer to the following prompts:
Fandango’s Story Starter – first line.
Your Daily Word — Cork
Word of the Day Challenge – Tofurkey

A Hairy Visitor

Shaking, I grabbed her hand and said, “What the hell was that?”

Tina laughed, “Sorry, John. I popped the cork on the beer barrel and broke the soddin’ winder.”

“No, I mean, what the hell was in the garden!” I reiterated having seen something large and grey shy away from the flying splinters of glass.

“What? Where?” Tina opened the kitchen door and peered into the misty darkness turned eerie orange by the streetlights. “You’re imaginin’ things.”

I squeezed past her and stepped outside with my torch.

It illuminated all the moisture in the air like floating glitter. Falling upon a scary sight it wavered with my growing shock.

“Really? Then what crushed your prized azalea?” I said indicating the once beautiful bush, now flattened and destroyed.

“Burglars! I’ll bloody kill ‘em!” Tina fumed.

“Ha! Burglars with big bare feet too.” I pointed to a footprint in the earth. It was several inches longer than my English size seven foot. The print was strangely flat and yet human with its five large toes.

“Maybe Basil from next door? He always falls over ‘is large feet.” Tina looked toward the neighbours.

“Nah, he’s a rude git but not a trespasser. Besides he’s on holiday until spring. This thing was nine feet tall, grey, and hairier than your brother,” I replied as I scanned the garden.

“Oi, John! You stop insultin’ my Ryan. He likes ‘is long beard and punk rock ‘airstyle.” Tina glared at me.

“He looks like Cousin It after a fight with a barber!” I spotted the greenhouse door was opened and went to investigate.

“Will you stop being rude to ‘im?”

“When he gets a proper haircut and a shave.” I grinned to myself and entered the greenhouse. The only thing out of place was my pumpkin seeds from Halloween were gone.

“What when he’s a bald old coot like you, you mean?” Tina yelled right behind me.

I jumped and cracked my head on the low roof.

“Bloody hell, Tina!” I spun on her holding my throbbing head. “Why not, bald is beautiful and something ate my seeds!”

“Squirrel probably,” Tina said hiding a chuckle.

“Yeah, and it took the tray for its acorns, did it?” I replied while taking a deep breath.

“How should I know?” Tina planted her hands on her hips and scowled.

“Next, you’ll say they were trying to steal the Tofurkey too!” I said while scanning the garden again.

“Hardly, that veggie stuff is dangerous if you ask me. I mean they make unduck, unfish, tofurkey and it’s all too unmeaty to be real!”

“Got that right!” I went to the shed. I always brewed my beer there. Something I inherited from my father. The door to that was open too. The padlock hasp had been ripped from the wood. “Wow! The squirrel likes beer too. I’ve lost several gallons.”

Tina failed to reply.

“Did you hear me?” I yelled.

“John, what the hell do you put in your beer?” Tina said her voice trembling.

“Hops, barley, yeast —”

“Shut up and come help me. I’m hallucinatin’!”

I left the shed and … “Holy shit! I’m hallucinating too!”

“No bible can help with this,” Tina backed away from a nine-foot-tall hairy creature.

I looked at the neanderthal-like facial features of the gorilla-like humanoid. “But, how? This is something the American’s created.”

“Well, this is Croydon in the UK, John. What the bleedin’ hell is it doin’ here?”

The creature made a chuckling sound as it scratched its immense behind and watched us.

“I haven’t the foggiest and I’m going back indoors,” I decided.

“Well, we can’t leave it in the garden, can we?” Tina said while following me.

“You ask it to leave, I’ll call the police and a glazier for the window.” I entered the kitchen and turned in time to see the creature step over the fence and vanish into the trees.

“It’s gone,” Tina said in relief.

“Thank goodness! I’ll still report it to the police,” I picked up my phone and made to put in a call.

“Yeah, do that we’ll both end up in the bleedin’ nuthouse then!” Tina sighed and sat down.

We had the window fixed and slept on our hairy visitor. Mysteriously we never saw him again and neither did anyone else. Perhaps it was my beer after all.

The End

Thanks for reading my friends.

There’s more in the Poetry Corner, Poetry Nook, and the Short Story Collection

Have a great day!