“When inspiration is lacking, write anything and make it as silly as you can!”
Scarab at Large!
My day started in the worst way. I woke up to a crunching noise. Gazing around the room, I was shocked to see an enormous insect. The scarab chewed its way up through the bedroom floor. It was the size of my fist. I ran out of the room; slammed the door behind me and ran down to the garage to get a shovel to kill it with. When I got back there was a hole in the door.
“You’ve got to be joking!” A cold sweat trickled down my face as I began to search for the missing scarab. Naked save for my white with red love heart boxers, I Followed a trail of wood chips, I chased the monster into the spare bedroom.
Leaping onto the bed, I raised the spade and turned a circle; poised to strike the moment I saw that shiny carapace.
A hairbrush hit the floor. There it was creeping across the dressing table.
I swung and swore. I’d annihilated the dressing table mirror but missed the scarab. Twice more I swung, denting the wardrobe door and smashing a dancing girl ornament into oblivion.
The insect is scuttled under the bed completely nonplussed by my attack.
Throwing the divan askance, I saw a new hole in the carpet. The scarab had gone under the floorboards!
Hiking up my boxers, I bounded downstairs still brandishing my spade. The spare room was above the lounge. I went that way. Catching a glimpse of the creepy, shiny beetle on the ceiling, I swung and swore…
The chandelier flew across the room in a shower of sparks and shattered against the wall.
Worse the scarab fell in my head. I shrieked, thrust it off me and tried to bludgeon again. The attack ended in an explosion and a small fire breaking out in the lounge. “Aww, bollocks! Guess I won’t be watching any movies on TV tonight.
As I doused the fire, I realised the scarab had gone. I began a systematic search of the house which turned up nothing.
Passing through the hall, I flinched as the doorbell rang. ‘Shit! Marianne!’ I’d invited her round for a romantic breakfast this morning. “Good morning, Marianne. Just a minute, I’m having … Well — a few issues!”
“Morning, Peter, darling.” Marianne waved through the window to the side of the door. “I can see that!”
I sighed, ‘Why the hell do I never shut those bleeding curtains!’ Waving back, I said, “Sorry, I must look like a crazed murderer or something!”
“I thought you were playing a kinky whack-a-mole game actually,” Marianne gave a cheeky wink. “Why don’t you let me in to make coffee while you get dressed.”
“Well, er …” I glanced at the devastation in the lounge. Scanned about me for the scarab and nodded as I unlocked the door. “Sure, come in.”
Marianne entered wearing a pretty peach dress. Her cremello hair and make-up were beautifully done.
I felt like a total tramp unshaven and wearing my boxes in front of her.
She hugged and kissed me nonetheless. “That’s better, I’ve been needing some love all —” she must have seen the lounge, “What in the bloody hell is going on in here?”
Parting from her, I rubbed my forehead stressful. “Would you believe this is all because I saw a giant scarab?”
Marianne turned a very fast circle as if expecting the insect to attack her. “Eugh, I hope it’s gone now!”
“I lost it somewhere in the remains of my lounge. Here I bought you this,” I presented her with a single flower. A giant white Calla lily.
She smiled and graciously accepted my gift. Gazing upon me with her azure blue eyes, she continued to look about her as she kissed me again. “That’s so sweet, thank you.”
“My pleasure. Go on into the kitchen. I’ll get dressed join you in a minute,” I said smiling in the attempt to salvage my morning date.
Marianne pouted, “Shame, you look hot in your boxers.” Drawing the elastic back, she pinged my boxers against my belly with a painful crack and winked. “See you in a couple of minutes. Oh, and I’m taking the spade!”
Flushed with embarrassment, I uttered my thanks and started up the stairs. I wasted no time pulling on a nice pair of trousers and a shirt. A quick look around the bedrooms revealed no giant scarabs and so I made use of some mouthwash in the bathroom and return downstairs.
Entering the lounge, I heard Marianne scream. “Marianne! Are you all right!” I asked as I ran across the room.
“It’s huge!” she shrieked.
I entered the kitchen
She swung the spade with maximum venom.
“Oh, F—” I felt a momentary burst of pain as the spade busted me in the jaw and then my life descended into nice, relaxed darkness.
That’s how I wound up in the papers the following day.
‘Giant scarab hospitalises man. The incident occurred as the man’s girlfriend tried to kill the insect with the spade and broke her boyfriend’s jaw instead. He is believed to be concussed and missing several teeth but will make a decent recovery. The scarab on the other hand is still at large!’
In other news:
1. Join me for Mason Want’s to Know 03/05/2021 for a Fashion Question!
2. My story ‘Oracle Train’ is doing battle for a place in an anthology. Please come and vote for and support me at Purple Wall – Vote now and thank you for the support!
Have a great day!